Latest & Thinking

Publicis Chemistry scoops two Golds at the DMAs

Thu, 08 Dec 2011 13:55:00 Z

LONDON, 8 December, 2011: Publicis Chemistry scooped two Golds, a Silver and a Bronze at the 35th DMA UK Awards, held in London last night.

The Orange ‘Broken Record’ DM campaign scooped two Gold trophies: for best business to consumer direct mail and best IT/telecoms campaign.

The campaign, which promotes Orange’s Ready Deal to parents, was in the shape of a scratched vinyl record. It was based on the creative idea that children can sound like a stuck record when they are constantly asking for their phone credit to be topped up. Ready Deal allows parents to pay for credit up front, which can be released in smaller increments each month over a six or 12 month period, so that children stop asking for more.

The judges said: “This was a clear Gold winner because it was strong on all three fronts – strategy, creative and results. The insight was really sound, the creative was charming and impactful. And it worked!”

SCA Hygiene’s Velvet scooped Silver in the special green category and also a Bronze in the doordrops. The winning campaign was a doordrop which folded out to show the difference a tree planting project can make to a city and was part of Velvet’s Campaign for Tree’s initiative.

The DMA Awards recognise the best in UK direct marketing. This year, 39 companies were shortlisted for medals in 35 categories.

Publicis Chemistry shortlisted at International Caples

Mon, 28 Nov 2011 16:55:54 Z

London, 29th November 2011: Publicis Chemistry campaigns for Velvet and Plenty have been shortlisted in two categories at the 34th John Caples Awards.

The campaigns were selected out of more than 700 entries worldwide competing for a place in the finals of the competition, which honours the best in direct and interactive marketing around the world.

Velvet's Campaign for Trees mailer, which folds out to show what a city looks like before and after a tree planting initiative, has been shortlisted in the Direct Mail, flat 100,001+ pieces category.

Plenty's Juan Sheet Spills Helpline has been shortlisted in the Integrated Campaign category.

The judging across all 30 categories took place earlier this month by a panel comprising over 30 jurors.

The winners will receive their trophies at the 34th Caples Awards dinner and presentation on 22nd March in New York City.

The John Caples International Awards was founded in 1978 by Andi Emerson, a direct marketing pioneer, in order to honor the famous copywriter John Caples.

Publicis Chemistry handles creative for new Thames crossing

Fri, 07 Oct 2011 16:06:29 +0100

LONDON, 7th October 2011: Publicis Chemistry is proud to announce its involvement in its client Emirates' sponsorship of the exciting new Thames river crossing that launched today in East London.

Publicis Chemistry will be responsible for all creative duties for the cable car project when it launches next year. The agency has already developed the name of the project: 'Emirates Air Line'.

The Emirates Air Line will connect north and south London, travelling between two new stations set to be named Emirates Greenwich Peninsula and Emirates Royal Docks. Scheduled for completion in summer 2012 the Emirates Air Line will offer commuters and visitors majestic aerial views as they travel across the Thames and provide a much needed additional river crossing.

The Mayor of London, Boris Johnson, today announced Emirates' ten-year sponsorship deal worth £36m, brokered by Starcom’s sport sponsorship division, SMG Sports.

Johnson said: "This multi-million pound deal is tremendous news for London, helping us to deliver a new addition to the city's skyline. The Emirates Air Line will be an exciting and innovative mode of transport easing travel for thousands and offering spectacular bird's eye vistas of our majestic Thames. The UK's first urban cable car will also act as a vibrant catalyst for the further regeneration of east London helping to attract jobs and investment for the benefit of Londoners."

The Mayor was joined by Tim Clark, President, Emirates Airline, and Mike Brown, Managing Director of London Underground and Rail, to announce the sponsorship deal. The Emirates Air Line will feature on the iconic Tube map and be included in TfL's travel information. As title sponsor, Emirates will receive a range of naming and branding rights, including the right to name the scheme, its stations and the creation of a joint logo.

Tim Clark, President, Emirates Airline, said: "As one of the world’s most innovative airlines, the link with this new form of air travel in London is a perfect fit for us. The Emirates Air Line will take off as an iconic landmark for London. We are always looking for new ways to support the communities we serve and what better way than to bring this ground-breaking transport scheme to residents and visitors alike."

Publicis Chemistry shortlisted for four DMAs

Fri, 07 Oct 2011 16:06:29 +0100

LONDON, 24th October 2011: Publicis Chemistry has been shortlisted in four categories at one of the most prestigious events in the calendar year, the 2011 DMA Awards.

The Vinyl Record DM campaign, which has already won a Bronze Echo this year, has been shortlisted in two categories: IT/Telecomms and Best Business to Consumer Direct Mail. The creative was based on the idea that children can sound like a broken record, because they're always asking their parents to top up their phone credit. However, Orange offers a pre pay service called Ready Deal, which means parents can pay up front for six or 12 months credit, that can only be spent in smaller, predetermined monthly increments.

SCA Hygiene has been shortlisted in two categories, for Velvet's Campaign for Trees activity. This is competing not only for Best use of doordrops, but also for the special DMA Green Award. The Doordrop opens up to show what a City looks like before and after a tree planting initiative. It tied in with a wider campaign involving a tree sapling giveaway and an online vote to nominate which UK city was most worthy of a tree planting initiative.

The winners will be announced at a glittering ceremony on 7th December to be held at Old Billingsgate.

Publicis Chemistry wins Bronze Echo for Orange

Fri, 07 Oct 2011 16:03:41 +0100

London, 12th September, 2011: Leading integrated agency Publicis Chemistry has scooped a Bronze Echo Award for its vinyl record DM campaign for Orange.

The campaign took the Bronze in the Communications/Utilities category. The DM pack promotes Orange's Ready Deal package, which allows parents to buy a lump sum of credit for their children up front, which can only be spent in smaller, pre-determined increments each month. The idea behind the creative is that this offer negates the need for children to keep asking their parents to top up their credit.

The execution is based on the idea that children sound like a broken record when they are constantly asking for more credit.

The ceremony will be held in Boston on 4th October 2011.

Publicis Chemistry wins Gu digital account

Mon, 22 Aug 2011 10:53:46 +0100

London, August 18, 2011: Leading integrated agency Publicis Chemistry has won the digital account for premium puddings brand Gü Puds.

The appointment follows a competitive pitch against undisclosed agencies and is a significant account win for Publicis Chemistry. The agency launched this month following the acquisition of Chemistry Communications by Publicis earlier this year, creating one of the UK’s biggest and forward thinking digitally-focused integrated agencies.

Publicis Chemistry will handle all aspects of Gü Puds’ digital creative activity, from social media and eCRM activity to online display advertising and experiential, across the spectrum of digital platforms and social networking sites. Publicis Chemistry will work with DDB UK, which handles the advertising account, and media agency JAA.

Gü Puds sells a range of chilled chocolate puddings, brownies and other premium chocolate ambient products as well as a range of fruit puddings, which until last year marketed under the name Frü.

Publicis Chemistry will build on the brand’s “Give in to Gü” proposition, which celebrates the pleasure of giving in to temptation, and its Gü Manifesto across the digital space, in order to broaden and deepen regular engagement and optimise participation with Gü content.

Ellie Martin, Gü Puds Marketing Director, said: “The Publicis Chemistry team impressed with compelling digital strategic and creative ideas for Gü, which marry well with our vision and ambitions for the brand. Their obvious passion and ability to offer a full spectrum of digital and eCRM under one roof were also deciding factors.”

Publicis Chemistry chief executive Joe Garton added: “Winning top premium puddings brand Gü Puds is a fantastic start for the new Publicis Chemistry and testament to the team and skills we have in place. The breadth of our offering means that we are able to deliver an engaging consumer experience across any consumer touchpoint – something that clients are increasingly demanding.”

Chemistry team triumphs at Chip Shop Awards

Tue, 10 May 2011 10:06:34 +0100

London, 9 June 2011 - Chemistry creative team Stacey and Sareka scooped top honours at the Chip Shop Awards last night with an idea for a Topshop bag for life that can be transformed to help raise money for charity.

The winning idea involves bags for life that are handed out at Top Shop when people buy new clothes. Once home, shoppers can turn their bag inside out into an Oxfam bag and into this they can put their old clothes to take to the charity shop.

The Topshop bag won the Ambient Media category and was awarded an Ad of the Week.

The Chip Shop Awards said: "It's not only great to see another medium in the winning frame, but it also goes to show that a concept doesn't have to be outrageous to get recognition at the Chips. It just has to be brilliant."

The Awards were set up to help foster and recognise creativity with no boundaries and no rules. It is an international creative competiion, open to anyone with great ideas.

The Awards ceremony was held at 93 Feet East, Brick Lane, London on 8 June, 2011.

Chemistry scoops two awards at the IPM Awards

Tue, 10 May 2011 10:06:34 +0100

Chemistry Communications collected Silver and Bronze trophies at last month's Institute of Promotional Marketing Awards ceremony.

The Silver was for Plenty's wipe up and win campaign in the Household and Petcare category. The Bronze went to Cushelle's migration campaign, in the New Product Launch category.

The Awards were collected at a glittering ceremony held last month at the Hilton, Park Lane hotel in front of more than 650 guests.

Publicis Chemistry appoints David Prideaux

Tue, 10 May 2011 10:06:34 +0100

London, May 12 2011: Publicis Chemistry has appointed David Prideaux as Executive Creative Director. Prideaux will be responsible for leading the integration of the creative teams following the acquisition of Chemistry Communications by Publicis Group and its merger with Publicis Dialog, to create Publicis Chemistry.

Plans to merge Dialog with Chemistry were announced earlier this year. Because of the formation of an enlarged agency group, it has been necessary to appoint an ECD to head up the wider creative department. The new entity, which will be called Publicis Chemistry, will be one of the largest integrated and eCRM agencies in the UK; with a staff of around 275 and revenues of close to £30m, with more than 50% of revenues already derived from digital communications.

Prideaux joined Publicis in 2007 as Executive Creative Director, Dialog and Modem. Previously, he spent five years as Creative Director of Rapier, where he helped the agency become Campaign Direct Agency of the Year for two years running. Prideaux was a founding member and creative partner of brand consultancy Circus and a senior writer at Bates Dorland.

Prideaux’s work has been recognised at awards shows worldwide. In 2010, he won a Gold at Campaign Big and a Silver nomination at D&AD for his work on the Army ‘Start Thinking Soldier’ campaign. He has worked in advertising, direct, digital and brand consultancy and won awards and new business across each sector.

Publicis Chemistry Managing Director Diane Charlton said: “David has years of experience leading creative people across all the disciplines that Publicis Chemistry spans, gained at some of the best and most creative agencies in London. He's therefore the perfect candidate to take Publicis Chemistry forward.”

After 18 successful months at the helm of Chemistry creative which saw the agency winning a number of awards and new clients, Pete Harle, Executive Creative Director, has decided to leave the agency to develop new avenues and opportunities.

Chemistry creates brand campaign for Emirates

Tue, 10 May 2011 10:06:34 +0100

Emirates Airline has launched a nationwide brand campaign, which highlights the airline’s superior service for First, Business and Economy passengers.

The press and outdoor activity showcases the Emirates on board service and experience, asking the question ‘Why doesn’t everyone fly this way?’.

The campaign is designed to appeal to the discerning traveller. Most of the executions feature headlines with a double-meaning that emphasises a product benefit as well as Emirates superiority.

The campaign ran across the UK on multiple outdoor sites and in publications including the Metro, Sunday Times, Guardian and The Economist. The media featured consecutive press ads to achieve stand out and included taking over Canary Wharf station for four weeks.

Chemistry was appointed to handle Emirates’ UK advertising last year to add to the digital account it already handled. The agency also handles the airline’s frequent flyer programme, Skywards.

Managing multi-channel relationships

Tue, 10 May 2011 10:06:34 +0100

On Friday 6th May, 2011 Luis Carranza, head of social media at Chemistry Communications, delivered another of his memorable talks at the Social CRM conference at London's Cavendish Conference Centre venue.

Called Hit Me Up, the talk focused on the hot subject of how marketers need to keep up with how consumers move seamlessly across channels.

The term encapsulates the current state of multi-channel communications that is common among many people in the world. It’s used instead of call me, text me, email me or Facebook me. 'Hit Me Up' implies… “contact me in the most appropriate way for you at the time.

This type of communication is nothing new, but marketers still have some catching up to do and managing multi-channel relationships requires an understanding of how consumers move seamlessly across channels.

This presentation focuses on some examples of how to manage relationships across channels as well as going over some of the lessons Luis has learned during his career to date.

You can download it here

Chemistry commissions photographs of Putney

Thu, 31 Mar 2011 18:37:40 +0100

The collages were created by local photographer, Tom Robinson, who was commissioned by Chemistry to take some pictures of the local area.

Tom took to the streets with his camera to capture the sights of Putney, including this beautful view of the River Thames.

The pictures have been used to decorate the meeting rooms at Chemistry's offices in South West London, near Putney Bridge Station.

Orange Blackberry letter wins Bronze at Caples

Thu, 31 Mar 2011 18:16:03 +0100

Chemistry Communications' Blackberry Letter direct marketing campaign has won Bronze at the 2011 John Caple International Awards.

This UK piece playfully communicated the benefits of a BlackBerry Internet service bundle by using an envelope that looked like a Christmas card with a handwritten letter inside from the recipient's BlackBerry pleading to let it use the Internet and e-mail.

The campaign scooped the trophy in the Direct Mail flat, 10,001-100,000 pieces category.

Chemistry shortlisted for industry awards

Thu, 31 Mar 2011 18:16:03 +0100

Chemistry Communications has made the shortlist for this year's Revolution, Marketing Week Engage and IPM awards ceremonies.

At the Revolution Awards, later this month, an online campaign for Emirates airline to promotes the launch of its A380 Airbus routes from Manchester and featuring imitation Google Maps software, has been named a finalist in the best use of online advertising category.

The Marketing Week Engage shortlist, revealed last week, features two campaigns for Orange: the Ready Deal vinyl record and Phone Fund "duster" direct mail pieces; Emirates' Future Artists competition to find the new stars of the artworld as well as the "wipe up and win" Jaun Sheet promotion for SCA Hygiene-owned Plenty kitchen towel.

Plenty 'wipe up and win' has also been shortlisted at the IPM Awards alongside the rebrand campaign for Cushelle, which is also owned by SCA Hygiene.

Thinking Big

Tue, 08 Mar 2011 11:46:53 Z

10 Ways to suck at social media

Wed, 09 Feb 2011 16:16:15 Z

Ensure you don't by taking a look at this lighthearted but seriously helpful presentation by Chemistry's head of social media Luis Carranza. This presentation, which he debuted at Social Media Week, is proving hugely popular. See it if you get the chance or get in touch.

11 trend presentations for 2011

Mon, 31 Jan 2011 09:49:07 Z

Here is a selection of media trends, forecasts and predictions presentations that we have trawled the web for so you don't have to.

1. Chemistry 2011 Trends

2. Interbrands' What will 2011 bring for airlines, financial services and food and beverages

3. The top 2011 marketing predictions on Twitter

4. Campaign's forecasts for the year ahead

5. 2011 industry predictions vox pops from The IPA

6. Web trends and predictions from Mashable

7. COI's 2011 Social Media Predictions

8. Moxie Interactive's Top Ten Trends Predictions for 2011

9. Consumer internet predictions from Fast Company

10. Yet another planning blog - 2011 trends

11. ZenithOptimedia's AdSpend Forecast

Publicis Groupe makes offer for Chemistry

Wed, 26 Jan 2011 10:26:53 Z

Paris, January 26, 2011 – Publicis Groupe today announced it has reached an agreement with Chemistry Communications Group plc ("Chemistry") on the terms of a recommended cash offer to acquire the whole of the issued and to be issued ordinary share capital of Chemistry. Publicis Groupe will pay Chemistry shareholders 37p per share, in a transaction valued at £14 million. The Chemistry Board of Directors recommends that shareholders accept the Publicis Groupe offer.

Chemistry is one of the leading independent integrated communications agencies in the UK. It specialises in integrated marketing services with a strong emphasis on digital communications. Chemistry's services include advertising, digital strategy and marketing, direct marketing and promotional marketing.

The acquisition of Chemistry represents an attractive opportunity for Publicis Groupe to enhance its expertise and proposition in the UK, particularly in the fields of digital customer relationship management and data analytics. It also provides Chemistry with the opportunity to leverage Publicis Worldwide's global network to service its existing international clients and expand its offering into end markets in which it is not currently present. The resulting enlarged group in the UK will provide a powerful platform to continue to attract and retain leading talent from across the industry.

Results International, the leading mergers and acqusitions advisor to the marcoms industry, acted as advisor to Chemistry in initiating, negotiating and executing this transaction.

The full offer document can be consulted on the Publicis Groupe website http://www.publicisgroupe.com.

Ten Ways to Suck at Social Media

Wed, 26 Jan 2011 10:26:53 Z

LONDON February 2011 - Chemistry's head of social media, Luis Carranza, is hosting a seminar called Ten Ways to Suck at Social Media.

Luis will take a lighthearted look at the pitfalls that many companies fall into when embarking on a social media strategy. It will examine some of those that went famously wrong and discuss how to avoid making similar mistakes.

The talk will take place 'Upstairs at The George', 213 The Strand, London on Tuesday 8 February as part of Social Media Week. Chemistry will host a reception from 6pm and the talk will start at 7pm sharp.

2011 Trends

Thu, 13 Jan 2011 10:24:26 Z

The consumer is now firmly in control. Social media sites like Facebook, Twitter and Youtube, which give us platforms to air our likes and dislikes, are just the beginning. Now there's social shopping, social search and social browsing. What's more social media's coming to a TV screen near you.

Find out how to keep up with the rate at which digital is changing the way brands communicate with consumers, while creating experiences in which your audience will engage.

Chemistry triumphs at EIM Awards

Thu, 21 Oct 2010 18:17:00 +0100

November 2010 - Chemistry Communications came home with an impressive five awards from the European Integrated Marketing awards for SCA Hygiene.

Once again, Velvet Tree Detective Campaign was the star of the show, winning Gold in best brand building, Silver in the event marketing cateogory and Bronze for innovative idea or concept.

The Bounty-to-Plenty Migration campaign did well once again as well, with a Silver in the product launch/relaunch/trial campaign category and a Bronze for event marketing.

The EIM awards are only open to campaigns that have already won gold awards within their home countries, making this an impressive achievement for everyone who works on the SCA Hygiene account. These campaigns are now recognised among the best in Europe as well as the best in the world following a similarly successful performance at the recent Globes.

Chemistry is still raising money for Movember

Thu, 21 Oct 2010 18:17:00 +0100

December 2010 - Anyone who has yet to donate to Movember in support of Robin, Raul and Ben's fantastic efforts to raise money and awareness for prostate cancer, there is still time as you can donate for another couple of weeks here.

Your money will help a very worthy cause and one that is clearly close to the hearts of the moustachioed three involved.

It's a really good cause, as it affects men of all ages and the fact that these three have subjected themselves to potential ridicule to raise money is worthy of praise (and your money).

There is still time to do your bit and donate some money to the Chemistash team as it is open until mid-December.

So, before you head off to town to spend all your November salary on Christmas pressies, please make sure you visit the Chemistash web page Here and give a little something to reward their efforts.

Chemistry wins global digital Yotel account

Thu, 21 Oct 2010 18:17:00 +0100

November 2010 - Chemistry Communications has won the digital account for the innovative hotel chain YOTEL.

YOTEL was conceived by YO! founder and entrepreneur Simon Woodroffe, he evolved the idea into reality with Gerard Greene, CEO of YOTEL. They appointed Chemistry following a comprehensive pitch process

The agency has been briefed to support YOTELs’ next phase of growth, including the launch of its flagship and inaugural city-centre hotel in New York.

Chemistry will develop YOTEL’s digital marketing strategy to drive sales and build relationships with customers via social media and other online channels. At the centre of this will be a new global website that repositions the expanded portfolio of hotels, together with a social media programme to drive customer engagement and enhance customer service. A series of promotional tools including an iPhone App and experiential initiatives to drive awareness are also planned.

Malcolm Cotton, managing partner at Chemistry, said: “The concept behind YOTEL is to deliver a revolutionary hotel model that offers guest an exciting, technologically-sophisticated but affordable hotel experience. Our digital strategy aims to leverage the app-based interfaces and social media tools utilised by today’s iPhone generation. In doing so, our aim is to make the booking of a room more intuitive, as well as through social media ensure that the YOTEL experience is a richer one for its guests.”

Jo Berrington, marketing director at YOTEL, said: “In the pitch Chemistry demonstrated a clear understanding of best practice web design for the hotel sector, as well as a range of exciting media initiatives that fit perfectly with our target audience. Our New York hotel, which features touchscreen check-in and countless other advanced features, clearly positions YOTEL as an innovator in the hotel sector. It was felt that our marketing and online customer experience must mirror this pioneering approach”.

YOTEL is part of the same family as the YO! Sushi restaurant chain founded by Simon Woodroffe. He came up with the idea for the hotel brand, which provides luxury in a small space, after being upgraded to a sleeper bed in British Airways first class. The chain has hotels at key airports in London Heathrow and Gatwick and at Schiphol in Amsterdam.

Chemistry wins at the Globes

Thu, 21 Oct 2010 18:17:00 +0100

October 2010 - Chemistry Communications' campaigns for SCA Hygiene have been named among the best in the world at the recent Global Promotional Awards.

Once again, Triple Velvet Tree Detective and the Bounty-to-Plenty migration were the stars of the show, scooping three awards between them.

Tree Detective won a Globe forBest Brand Buildling Campaign and a Bronze for Best Brand Awareness and Trial Campaign category, while Plenty was awarded an order of merit for the best activity generating a short or long term brand loyalty.

The Globes are judged by 140 industry professionals across 24 countries. As well as the awards, Chemistry received the highest number of accolades of any agency and SCA received the highest number of accolades of any client organisation.

Chemistry creates Orange Facebook App

Thu, 21 Oct 2010 16:19:00 +0100

October 2010 - Chemistry Communcations has created a Facebook application for Orange that can tell people what phone they should be using based on the information available about them on their profile page.

Phonepicker is unique in that it matches a phone to a user's behaviour, rather than their demographic.

Once permission is obtained from a user, the app scrapes their profile page and matches against a range of phones to determine the most suitable one.

The app not only looks at the information contained on their profile pages, such as music or photos uploaded, but also on how they interact with the site, including the number of messages they receive from friends and whether they use messaging.

Chemistry wins Gramia award

Wed, 20 Oct 2010 10:43:00 +0100

Chemistry Communications was last night named direct marketing agency of the year at the 2010 Gramia's ceremony, The Grocer magazine's creative awards.

As well as winning the top DM agency award, Chemistry's withDove RM programme for Unilever was a winner in the creative DM category. This was judged against criteria that included: the soundness of the campaign's objectives and how it fits with the overall brand strategy; the campaign execution and evidence of the campaign's success.

The awards were announced at a glittering ceremony held at the recently reopened Savoy Hotel in London.

Views Not News

Thu, 14 Oct 2010 18:32:00 +0100

You’d expect, if someone was to come along and tell you that you’d soon have to borrow at least, say, £30,000 to get your higher education that there’d be some pretty heavy shouting going on. A revolution maybe?

Black hole

And that £30,000 was actually a pretty low estimate; that it could be as high as £100,000 if you fancy turning your hand to doctoring…? And that there’d be no choice about this new state of affairs…? Take it or leave it…?

Well, alarmingly, I’ve heard nothing. Not a peep.

So amongst all the silence I’ve decided to put together a short student Q & A to help the time-rich but experience-poor youth and future of our country. Provide some useful tips that they may want to use in their forthcoming likely interviews to try and argue their way into a free ride. Here goes:

Student (S): I’ve heard that I am the future of this country. That to achieve success I must make a personal investment in my future.

Banker or University Professor (BUP): This is true. Let me explain the rules. You have five minutes to put your case before me. After that time my charge is £125 per hour. But don’t worry, this will simply be added to your student loan debt.

S: So kind. I understand I have no choice in this matter and that I must get into debt. Serious debt. And if my calculations are correct, the sort of debt we’re talking about could be the largest ever purchase I am likely to have to make in my lifetime — even bigger than property because, as a heavily future-indebted student, I will never be able to afford my own place anyway.

BUP: Alas, this is true. But I may be able to offer you a special deal on a mortgage after you’ve graduated. For a fee, of course. And only if you really can afford a mortgage on top of your student loan.

S: Thank you. But hasn’t the government brought in all these cuts because we (that’s you older people) all got head over your heels in debt because you were all maxed out on easy credit?

BUP: Not true. We were helping boost the economy at great personal sacrifice. But carry on.

S: So the government is telling us that we shouldn’t adopt the sort of complacent approach to credit that people like you encouraged…

BUP: Correct.

S: And that I should now consider myself a consumer. With rights.

BUP: Caveat emptor, and all that.

S: And like a good consumer I should seek out value.

BUP: Uh-huh. Four minutes left, by the way.

S: OK, thanks. As I see it, here’s the deal then. I’m not that bright so I’ll try and keep this simple.

BUP: And brief.

S: As brief as possible. Here goes. University terms total about 30 weeks per academic year. And let’s say I need £30,000 to cover my fees over the next three years. Divide £30,000 by 90 weeks (3 years of Uni) that’s £333 per week of fees. I’m not including accommodation and food in any of this, by the way.

BUP: Three minutes.

S: OK, I’m likely to go to 10 hours of lectures a week — say £33 ish a lecture.

BUP: Are you a business studies student? Please come to the point.

S: What happens if I don’t like the lecture? That I don’t think it’s “value for money”? Or that I don’t like two, three or maybe more of the lectures…? As a value-seeking consumer, I expect I shall be able to get a refund? Along with the rest of my fellow students if they share my views? At £33 a pop.

BUP: One minute.

S: With respect, I think you’ll find there’s two. Will I and my fellow students / value-seeking consumers also be able to construct a series of evaluation criteria to assess the value and consistency of our course content and material? And for each of our individual tutors? And that we can put this evaluation criteria online — maybe create our own Facebook page, along with all the other universities’ value-seeking students — so that we can share and develop a UK-wide universities ‘picture’ or league table to see exactly which universities are providing value and excellence and in what areas? Create a real student / value and accountability-seeking movement?

BUP: ONE MINUTE

S: That’s it. I think I’m getting the hang of this value-seeking consumer malarkey.

BUP: Time’s up.

Views not news

Tue, 12 Oct 2010 16:03:00 +0100

Big trouble ahead. Mid-life crisis starts in your mid-30s, according to relationship advice charity Relate. Work and personal relationships pressures, it seems, get you young.

“The annual cost of work-related mental health problems,” says Relate’s president, “is estimated at £28bn, so it’s clearly a massive problem.”

Mid-life irony

Yes indeed. A massive problem. But mostly it seems for the health service – if that’s what Relate’s president means? Or does he mean counselling services? Or perhaps legal services…or lost work days…or excessive sickness payments? Or all of them and more put together?

Now I’ve got nothing against Relate – some of my best friends swear by them. But frankly, I don’t know what an ‘annual cost of £28bn’ actually means. I have no idea how long this putative decline in mental health may have been going on, when it may have started, nor how Relate arrived at whatever parameters they did to have worked this out. Nor why the figure was ever quoted as real??? Why is it that for something to be considered ‘serious’ it has to be quantified in monetary terms? And in particular, ‘health economics’ terminology?

No phone areas

As a digital and relationship marketing agency, I guess we should know something about relationships ourselves. Well, we do…but not in the health sense, of course. Yet we do recognise some of the things which may cause pressures and tensions at work. So we have created a special rule to deal with one of worklife’s little but BIG irritants. Nope, it’s not other people. It’s mobiles. I wonder if Relate factored in this area for potential depression in their maths?

Our new ‘No phones (especially BlackBerrys) allowed in meetings’ ban is aimed at reducing tension and pressure in meetings. No more of those surreptitious tappings below the table line; no more collective double buzzings of phones set to ‘vibrate’ sending judders through the meeting room table; no more of those mean ‘Which meeting are you in?’ questions or, worse, meeting-pleasing I’m-in-a-meeting-can-I phone-you-back whispers. (Unless the answeree is in their mid-30s and going through a depressing relationship problem and answers ‘I’m in Frankfurt / Istanbul / Gillette Corner / on a train at the moment and can’t talk now.’) Relate should be proud of us.

The positive in the negative

You could say a ban is a bit of a negative approach if you’re trying to make people less depressed and tense at work. You might say why don’t you follow some seriously cool US companies’ ideas, such as Twitter’s wacky funstuff of wearing cowboy hats and having a team of people going round to ‘make people happy’. Calling your office the Twoffice. Or copy some of Google’s offices’ tricks with their renowned volleyball courts, bicycle paths, skateboard trails, yellow brick road, dinosaurs and professional masseuses. As if! Anyway, the simple difference is we’re talking meetings not maverick, billion dollar companies here.

No, the above won’t happen in our back yard. While we’re not gong the more affordable Wal-Mart in Germany whole nine yards route some years back (forced smiling at customers and a zero tolerance approach to ‘relationships’ with other staff) we’re simultaneous banners and tolerators. No mobiles in meetings but let’s go down the pub for lunch. Smoke outside in the rain but tweet, blog, play on the internet if you must. Keep the music and anything else you want to play on in the office 24/7 if you like. As David Brent may have said: mental!

Oh…I nearly forgot: just like the swearbox of auld, so we have introduced a £1 fine for anyone who allows their mobile to ring, ping or play Bruno Mars’ latest or do anything at all – in meetings, that is. So far we’ve amassed £3 (OK, OK…we only started yesterday!). I could name names, but that would depress someone. Come Christmas, the plan is we’re going to donate the full amount to charity. As yet we’re open to suggestions. I’m guessing there won’t be any for Relate though.

Smile. Relationships are us.

Views not news

Fri, 10 Sep 2010 10:10:00 +0100

If you believe the figures, seven million of us are paying up to £480 a pop on packaged banking accounts that we don’t want and rarely use.

Worse…banks are ‘pressurising’ customers to open these inappropriate accounts. We’re being sold ‘packaged accounts’ when all we simply want is a common or garden current account.

What follows next might seem at first sight as scablike as a striking coalminer signing up to become a South Yorkshire police riot squad member. But think again if you think I’m breaking ranks with the great British public. Here’s why…

With the likely exception of the Chelsea-supporting, Samsung-shirted lady who took her three sons for a day out to mourn the death of Raoul Moat a couple of weeks back, nobody but nobody can still be ignorant about the role of the world’s banks in the global economic meltdown and the near total collapse of our financial and banking systems.

Or of the cost to each and every one of us this mismanaged profligacy which is now being visited upon us in the form of vengeful taxes, reduced council services, swingeing public sector job cuts and the end of free nursery milk to young kids. And that Gordon Brown was personally, 100% responsible for all this mess, as Vince Cable is now saying.

So with all the non-stop anti-banking ranting that’s been going on since Northern Rock collapsed in 2007 and Lehman Brothers in 2008, with all the criticism of banks not lending to businesses and in a week when all the major British banks have revealed stonking profits and the intention to keep paying big bonuses to their staff, is there absolutely anyone left on the entire planet that doesn’t loathe and detest the banks? As well, by the way, as really really loving them because they’re back in profit so our world will continue?

Now given this slight PR disadvantage and the constant deluge of negative news that banks may not be our best friends with our best interests at heart, why is it that anyone needs to feel they are being ‘pressurised’ into signing up for accounts they don’t want? How can anyone still feel they don’t have a right to question, however demurely, a bank’s salesperson’s intentions as to what they believe is best for us?

So why is it that we’re all so timid? So receptive of bank sales staff’s advances – either in person or when we phone up? We can’t all be zombies. Can it be all that direct mail we’ve been receiving? All those leaflets and TV advertising and other promotional materials telling us that banks are great…? Should we, the relationship marketing agencies of Britain, be held responsible for the duping of millions of the nation’s bank customers?

Which? magazine doesn’t pull its punches. It reports that ‘the way banks market these accounts is misleading and staff in branches must stop selling financial products to anyone whether it is appropriate or not.’ Can you imagine that? Staff are a critical sales channel for banks’ cross-selling success. Take them out of the equation and you seriously limit the banks’ abilities to get more product to more customers. Surely the banks won’t have a problem agreeing to that.

What I find most curious in all of this, however, is what appears to be complete customer gullibility. I thought we were all ‘savvy customers’ now. All informed, networked and socially connected and price aggregator-site experts. All forearmed and forewarned and in control with ‘Martin’s Money Tips’ tips.

We tell this to all our clients… “Oh yes, customers are so-o-o-o savvy these days…they’ll spot absolutely anything that’s not good for them a mile off…oh yes! We have to be everywhere where they are, engaging in conversations and definitely no selling messages.” Oh yeah?

Is it the banks’ fault that customers can be cajoled to attend one hour ‘interviews to discuss their banking arrangements’ and then be made to sign-up to packaged accounts that they don’t need? Or, in one instance, the fact that one customer – a young unemployed man with a monthly allowance of £70 from his parents – was persuaded to commit to a packaged banking account costing £7.95 a month. No…what I find amazing is that customers – savvy customers, remember – can allow this to happen to them when they know banks may have other motives. Like profit.

So how long before I make it seven million and one customers? As a simple current account customer I’m waiting for the knock on the door in the middle of the night.

Dropping the e in e-commerce

Thu, 26 Aug 2010 17:58:00 +0100

Companies such as Tesco and John Lewis have already cracked how to use ecommerce to boost their offline business by increasing their range of products and improving instore sales. But what else can retailers expect from online retail offerings? How can customer service be applied to the digital shopping experience and what is the best way to use content to enhance the user journey?

These are some of the insights provided in our latest presentation .

Chemistry Nottingham's 130 mile charity cycle

Wed, 18 Aug 2010 14:25:00 +0100

The North of England, August 2010 - On 8 August a group of mad keen cyclists took to the roads of northern England for a mammoth coast-to-coast bike ride in aid of Macmillan Cancer Care and St Luke's Hospice.

After four months of training, Neil Twigger, Ed Hallam, Charlie Gentle, Chris Bailey and Morgan Cox set off at an eye-watering 5.30 am in Whitehaven on the west coast, where they were accosted by a drunk pestering them for cigarettes ("Got a fag mate?").

They were cheered on by a support network comprising Pete Rix (who would have been riding had he not broken his hip - ouch), Robin Garms, Claire Davies, Amy Court, Zach Pillinger and Ruth Carter.

The cyclists arrived in Sunderland after a gruelling 13 hours and having conquered a very big hill. Unfortunately Neil Twigger had to pull out due to injury.

We can only hope that they had the forsight to wear cushioned shorts, which would have meant they were able to sit down and rest their weary legs once they got home.

Special mention must go to Russell Cavell who decided to take a more leisurely approach to the challenge. Instead of trying to attempt it in one day, he decided to enjoy the journey.

He project managed the entire trip in the kind of detail only a technical director could imagine, taking three days to complete the ride, roping in his partner and staying at luxurious hotels and dining out along the way.

The team raised a whopping £2,500 and made a film of their achievements, which you can watch here.

You can still help them reach the target of £5000 by visiting the sponsorship pages for Macmillan and St Luke's.

Kraft launches summer campaign for Tassimo

Tue, 17 Aug 2010 13:51:00 +0100

Kraft has launched a summer campaign that invites members of the Tassimo brand’s RM programme to take part in an online lottery game.

The activity, created by Tassimo’s European RM agency Chemistry Communications, has been designed to encourage MyTassimo members to use their hot drinks brewers even during the hot summer weather.

The lottery-style game ran for one week. Members were invited by email to visit a specially created page on the MyTassimo website to play a game to enter the prize draw. Prizes ranged from a €6,000 holiday in the sun, money off coupons, photo albums and personalised mugs.

The activity ran across the UK, France, Spain, Germany, Austria and Switzerland.

Chemistry was appointed to manage and develop the MyTassimo RM programme across six European markets in 2009, the agency was also handed the brand’s UK below-the-line activity in 2010 as a result of the programme’s success.

Charity bike ride

Tue, 03 Aug 2010 14:13:00 +0100

This weekend sees a team of seven cycling fans from Chemistry take part in a West Coast to East Coast bike ride for charity.

Neil Twigger, Ed Hallam, Charlie Gentle, Rupert Dixon, Chris Bailey, Russell Cavell and Morgan Cox will cycle a staggering 130 miles across the UK from Whitehaven to Sunderland (see the map below) on 8th August.

They have been in training for four months and aim to raise in excess of £5,000 but they still have a long way to go.

Please dig deep and visit the links below to make a donation to either of these incredibly deserving causes.

Give to Macmillan

Give to St Lukes Hospice

Chemistry Summer Party

Mon, 02 Aug 2010 09:34:00 +0100

Chemistry Communications Group took to the waves for its summer party on Friday with a nautical fancy dress competition that resulted in wildy varying interpretations on the theme.

Some of the men, including Seb, Mark, Paul, Ray (above l to r) and Vic, used the trip as an excuse to express their inner sailor. Looking camp, they appeared to be vying for "captain" Pete Harle's attention.

Some, such as Harwin (above) and Shirin, dressed as tourists.

Some dressed as pirates (Tom Wilks with friend).

Many wore striped T-shirts, dresses and shirts, prompting managing director Diane Charlton to declare Chemistry a "stripe-free agency" for the next year.

Others chose more unusual costumes. Among them a parrot (Tom Robinson), Poseidon (Jacob Lawson), a Baywatch lifeguard (Jack Poynter complete with musclesuit and padded red swimming trunks), a deck chair (Rupert Dixon) and what looked like a blue version of Morph, but was in fact a blue snorkler (Andrew Strumnik).

The ladies fancy dress prize was won by Karen Sainsbury, who cut a very striking and glamorous figure as a ship's captain.

The men's best dressed prize went to Neil Twigger, who went as David Seaman, the...er...footballer.

Other notable mentions include Rob Trono who looked a bit too comfortable in a pair of sailing-themed open-toe wedge sandals matching those sported by Di and Liz.

Last but not least, on behalf of all the men at the agency, on and around the River Thames and on Fleet Street and the surrounding area at about 6pm (particularly the man in a white van who nearly cricked his neck as he drove past staring), a very big well done to Sareka, Stacey and Aimee, whose skimpy outfits brightened up an otherwise cloudy afternoon.

The end

Views Not News...in a different light

Thu, 29 Jul 2010 17:03:00 +0100

Whether they're actually generation X or Y, both demographics must be suffering horribly at the moment.

Forgive the older person generalising but neither group is known to give a toss about 'the news' or newspapers -- sport and celebrity gossip excepted. Oh yeah...and fashion. And maybe the more serious in-depth commentary such as TV listings and reviews – so they can catch up online, of course, while playing games, listening to music and instant messaging their mates.

So take a moment to consider their plight: today's young things' media consumption and leisure time is spent mostly online. That's also being reflected in paid-for newspapers in most of western Europe, the US and other parts of the world in steadily declining newspaper circulation figures.* Yet you know what's going on online...stuff about newspapers making the news. Mainly.

"It's all so depressing," you can almost hear them say, "newspapers are so dull. And it's not going to change anything. And we don't believe a word that's printed. And we don't trust them." Well...maybe they're not wrong there.

Tech-Savvy Ys have grown up with technology. They rely on it, naturally. BlackBerrys, iAnythings, laptops, mobies and other gadgets. Ys are connected 24/7. 'News' and communication is about sharing and Facebook, YouTube and maybe Twitter. Yep, Twitter news for sure. While e-mail is derided, text messaging rather than face-to-face contact is the way to hit me up.

Generation Xs may not be quite so digitally native and fully attention deficit disorderly. But certainly media-savvy and 'having a life rather a house' rant aimed at their baby-boomer parents who saw a mortgage and one foot on the housing ladder as their first priority is the Xs' signature taunt.

So how tiresome for them all it now must be to now find their every peer-group-approval site and free-from-parental-control media choices are now full of peer-group-disapproval and parental-type guff.

What's a young person to do?

Chocolatey things normally work well on these occasions. As do biscuits. But both categories of rewards have been the subject of bad news stories (sorry Ys and Xs about the n-word) last month.

It seems that while the western world's inhabitants are getting ever-larger, our favourite snacky things are getting ever smaller. Even Toblerone has become a one-triangle-less victim. But while size matters, price doesn't: the price of our favourite treats have remained the same even though the 'portion' is has declined.

Worse, it may be only a matter of some few grams but, hey, it means we can no longer save that last Malteser for someone really special because it's no longer there. Our little package of precious sweet promise has been plundered. Sadly, apart from the likely future benefit this may bring to our dental health, there's very little we can do about this.

A-a-a-a-nyway, this is getting rather newsy and 'issues-based' again when the main intention here was to talk about the death of news. At least for the Ys and Xs of the world. Out of the NoTW's putative 2.6m paid-for circulation, there must have been – soci0-demographics factoring accepted – a reasonably significant number of younger people who will, from this Sunday, have one newspaper less not to have to worry about. Yay.

So there's a happy ending for the Xs and Y-ers after all. Back to the electronic stuff, guys.

PS: Elana Zak kindly loaned me her pic (top) and she also says much of this (chocs apart) lots better than I do.

*Global newspaper circulation rates have increased but the numbers are skewed by the enormous growth in China, Brazil and especially India.

Views Not News...in a different light

Thu, 29 Jul 2010 17:03:00 +0100

The brief break in the storm clouds stationed over the NoTW hacking enquiry has allowed news of Prince Andrew to shine through.

But just when Britain's need for some good business news was beginning to look more positive -- at least for the middle classes, that is, as John Lewis plans 10 new city centre stores over the next five years -- Prince Andy goes and resigns as our special representative for trade and investment. Devastating.

Cockily did it

What to do now? Who on earth could replace him? What sort of person understands how to develop new business for Britain abroad? And who would have the sort of indefatigable energy that the loyal royals are well-known to be possessed of?

Well, it may seem immodest, but there is hope: I'd like to put myself up for the job. Yes, yes, I know he did it for free, but it's important at these moments to remember JFK's famous maxim: Ask not what your country can do for you but what you can do for your country. Or something like that. And I reckon it would look great on my CV. Obviously.

So, I've checked out our Fourth-In-Line-To-The-Throne's special representative abilities and, without seeming premature, I think I may have the job in the bag.

Here's why:

Prince Andrew hasn't actually got any special representative abilities. His job, as quoted in most newspapers, is "to open doors". That's what my job is. So we're equal. OK, he's royal and I'm not but that's detail. What I'm proud to say is that I can handle PowerPoint -- from completely blank screen to finished, whizzy, proper professional article. Can he? I doubt it big time. Me? I'm a Prince among PowerPoint commoners. That makes one fewer staff mouth to feed on the FO's payroll, already.

The F-I-L-T-T-T is also rumoured to have hacked certain people off from time-to-time. I don't mean 'hacked' in the News International sense of the word, either. In fact, he's done this from many a time to many another time. And in many a place.

Kyrgyzstan (who could ever spot a typo in that country?) got the US ambassador jumping up and down in disbelief at the Prince's behaviour. In Italy, the highly-charged royal's winning ways and economic prowess were in evidence when he managed to offend three people at once during a visit to a fashion house where he was overheard to have said that he'd never of heard of the person he was meeting. Nice.

Then there was his alleged role in something to do with Colonel Gadaffi's son and a convicted Libyan gun smuggler back in March. Vince Cable, who admitted to wanting to topple Rupert Murdoch, shied away from the potentially treasonable remark of doing the same to our Prince but was moved to exasperation about his role. Vince has never had cause to express exasperation at my trade and new business efforts. I'm not even a supporter.

Deal or no deal?

Then there was the Fergie thingy -- trying to 'sell' our tireless salesman to some, you guessed it, NoTW fake sheik. And then came the reports that Downing Street thought aforesaid F-I-L-T-T-T person wasn't really that special a representative after all. No! Really? What would settle this would be to see PA's list of new business prospects, meetings and wins and how much revenue he created. I think we'd all be quite amazed.

But still not quite so amazed at the F-I-L-T-T-T's property management skills: selling your house for a reputed £3 million over the asking price -- such skills are born not made. Ditto his links with a US businessman convicted of certain...well, gender wrongdoings. Get out of here!

Anyway, Dear Mr Cameron / Vince Cable, here I am. I'm rather busy of course, but, given the urgency of getting Britain back on to the world's stage and into the economic fast lane, I could happily offer you a window next week. If it's still OK to suggest such things to politicians, let's do lunch.

And if you'd like to see my credentials, let's just keep this between ourselves: please ask your secretary to speak to my secretary. I'm looking forward to helping Britain shine through, again.

Views Not News...in a different light

Thu, 29 Jul 2010 17:03:00 +0100

What does it take to get your brand mentioned in conversations? This question heads the list of every marketers’ ambitions. Here at Chemistry Towers, we know who can help you: Coldplay’s Chris Martin.

Before we come on to Chris, let’s consider ways to get brands into consumers’ conversations. One approach, anyway.

Start with a great idea. Never fails, this. Or a BHAG as we call it at Chemistry Towers: a big, hairy-arsed goal.

Anyway, you need to launch this great big cool idea and express it, creatively, across a tightly-chosen – or wider range – of media, depending on your budget. But it’s such a neat idea and so well articulated that wherever it appears it starts making waves and gets picked up by the Twitterati, Facebookers and every other social animal. They then share and comment and rave about it with everyone in their networks…Yay this is fab, guys. Jump in! Word gets round and then the mainstream media, hungry for some fun stuff, stick it at the end of their flagship evening and nightly news programmes as a humorous close or ‘And finally…’ friendly sign off…? Everyone goes to bed happy and comes into work wide-eyed the next day saying ‘Did you see that amazing…blah…?!’

Yep, it’s something like that. Isn’t it Chris? Whaddya mean it’s not??? Hang on…you say you can do it just by launching a ‘job ad’. You’re kidding me. huh…? Er…like what’s a job ad got to do with anything?

Everything, actually.

So, for anyone other than the odd visiting alien, hands up who’s not heard about, read about, seen Gwinny and Chris’s ad for a £60k-a-year multilingual tutor who can also teach sailing and tennis? Thought so. All the mainstream media, every channel, every journalist, TV and radio presenter, virtually every ‘Comment’ column of virtually every newspaper…it’s got everyone talking. Janice Turner in The Times and Jeremy Clarkson in The Sunday Times (to mention just a couple of names). They didn’t just mention it but virtually repeated the ad, word for word, robotically, in their columns. Using it either as an example of how schools are failing us and how it’s what middle class parents want for their children everywhere or whatever is wrong with the world that it has such people in it.

But hold on everyone. They’ve completely missed the point. Am I the only person in the world who has not only seen but can also remember the ‘Best job in the world’ campaign? The one which came from Queeensland and announced ‘Position vacant: Island caretaker’. For some Great Barrier Ref island paradise. Which everyone in the world thought sounded amazing and something like 35,000 people from more than 200 countries around the world applied for?

And which turned out to be a cunning plan dreamt up by Cummins Nitro Brisbane (now called SapientNitro) (Media Guardian 17 06 2009). Which got over 8 million website hits and 54 million page views. Which got 610 hours of user generated content and an estimated media coverage of US$150m. And which spawned a BBC documentary and live CNN feeds. Surely there must be someone else out there…Janice…Jeremy…?

A-a-a-nyway, check the YouTube video http://www.youtube.com/user/xcruz82 and see if you spot someone familiar: clue it’s round about the 3 mins 49 sec point in the clip and it’s labelled ‘some guy from Coldplay’. This ‘someone’ announces himself all rather innocuously and gives his ‘seal of approval’ to some buddy of his to go for the job on Hamilton Island. If you can’t access the video, please see para 1, above.

No one’s laying any claims to deception here. Or criticising A-listers for taking advantage of their positions. But let’s get the references together everybody before we start taking things too literally and getting carried away with our social sophistry.

By the way, I’m pretty good at tennis, myself, Chris and Gwyneth. And I know where the apostrophes go.

Views Not News...in a different light

Thu, 29 Jul 2010 17:03:00 +0100

It seems we're not getting out enough. And when we do we get lost.

Rescue services available inside

M&S started it. Boots stepped in, as did Tesco, next. Each in their own way. M&S gave shoppers a list of ten items to find in an hour. They failed. Boots recognised that its stores are not customer friendly long ago. Especially for men. Tesco's has introduced satnav via a mobile app to help negotiate one of its bigger stores. Just how big exactly are Tesco's stores that they need satnav apps to help customers find stuff?

“Consumers find our stores difficult to shop,” said Marc Bolland, M&S's CEO. Fair enough. But what I love is M&S's response: "Ten people couldn't find ten items in one hour? Righto, let's spend £600m on refurbishing them."

Mr Bolland, 'an accomplished marketeer', according to press reports, certainly knows how to get the ball rolling. I don't have to guess what hungry-for-business refurb shops out there think of this, but I do wonder what an accomplished researcher might make of his decision.

I think this is all to do with good old-fashioned customer service. Retailers are struggling now. Food is a saturated market in the UK with margins to match.

The Big Four supermarkets are desperately trying to get into higher margin non-foods while expanding their own labels at the same time. Even the usually robust John Lewis Partnership is finding the going very tough. Outside of London, they're figures are bad.

But with consumer confidence at an all-time low and with inflationary pressures affecting a wide range of goods, do retailers keep prices down and sacrifice margins? Or do they try and protect margins and lose their customers? And then how do they cope with online shopping? And mobile...I'd like to know their views on that, especially.

But who'd have thought that Dixons would also be getting in on the act -- albeit in its own way? Electrical retailers are probably being hit hardest of all.
Competitive pricing, available online, means retailers are having to adjust to more informed consumers. Extended warranties used to be the way to make money on anything from a toaster to a TV, but increasingly rapid product obsolescence and after years of negative media publicity and campaigning by consumer advocates such as Which? even dumb consumers seem finally to have learnt to avoid such products. So whither profits now...? Enter the confused consumer. And where there's confusion, there's brass. Technical support and service, says Dixons, is the way forward. This from a company that not so long ago ran a campaign saying 'Get your advice from a reputable Oxford Street retailer and then come and buy it online from us'.

Knowhow, Dixons' new customer service platform, will be like providing a digital plumber for all your digital services, says their ceo, John Browett. There's a market out there worth £500m, he argues, of which Dixons may have c.5%. They have a big scale advantage in terms of their high street presence and they want to up their 5% share. So how will they do that: by installing TVs and linking up all your home digital requirements. Especially for their key target audience of women.

I'll bet women everywhere are elbowing everyone out of their way to get some Knowhow in their home. Me...I won't be going there. It's just the memories I have of having tried shopping at Dixons in the past when their shops were boyed (and occasionally girled) by still-at-school 15 year-olds doing a Saturday job. Sorry Dixons. Things may well have changed but I'm not going to be the first to test the water. I'm going to continue trying to find the men's deodorants and toothpaste in Boots before I die. Satnav anyone?

Views Not News...in a different light

Thu, 29 Jul 2010 17:03:00 +0100

Things have been unusually quiet in my friends’ home for the last two weeks, they tell me. I’m passing this on because they have two young (boisterous) boys aged 11 and 13. They’ve been doing their homework and playing outside as if that was normal. Their parents are amazed. They’re now also lovers of the fact that PlayStation Network has been ‘suspended’. They call it having a PlayStation Vacation. Ahhh…

Please credit my account now

On that basis I’m guessing this has also been the case in 42.777 (recurring) million other homes around the world. Approximately. That’s assuming the world’s average household is home to an average 1.8 kids. Like it is in the UK.

Personally, then, I really can’t see why Sir Howard Stringer at Sony is apologising. OK, OK…I can see why. But was it his fault they got hacked? I don’t know. But he’s obviously the top guy so I guess the buck has to stop with him.

I’m trying to remember when the Pentagon got hacked recently by the Chinese and, on an earlier and unconnected occasion, also a British (reputedly autistic) man…some years back. His mother tried to stop him being extradited to the US on the grounds of his metal condition. Bad mom, the US thought.

But I can’t remember anyone at the Pentagon ‘apologising’, then. As far as I can remember they mostly expressed outrage. They didn’t actually go as far as to suggest attacking China but they were enraged that an irresponsible Brit had marched in, sat down and helped himself to some 73,000 top secret files (and a couple of cokes, probably) and that this was an act of such criminal magnitude which could be construed, given the importance of the files he’d hacked into, as an act of treason against all the citizens of the civilised world. Send in the SEALs, I say!

Nah, Sir Howard (family-friendly) Stringer needs no apologies.

What…these kids were paying for a service they couldn’t access, I hear you say? Their credit cards details have been stolen and their personal data details have been compromised, I hear you shout? (I for one didn’t know 77 million kids actually had credit cards, by the way.)

Well, blimey…what about those of us who could have been nuked by now as a result of the Pentagon’s secret documents having been exposed to someone living in Little Easington or Upminster or Burton-on-the-Water or wherever it was that the said young Brit hacker lived? Eh? What about that? Answer: we’re still calmly here.

More of a threat, it seems, are the “serious and preplanned” cyberattacks Britain’s major government networks (Defence, the Treasury) suffer every day. OK, our Defence network has probably suffered more from budget cuts than any hacker’s attempts to destroy it, but the Treasury…that’s where they keep my money isn’t it?

According to yesterday’s FT “in any given month over 20,000 malicious emails [are] sent to government networks.” Sony’s recent experience was cited as evidence of the risks to personal data online. Although I have to say that no-one seems to have lost more online secrets and data than careless, laptop-owning government officials. Perhaps that’s where the hackers get the login details?

Interestingly, however, it’s not just all the evil-minded wonks of the world whom we’re told are all holed up in China, North Korea, Iran, etc., and are carrying out rogue regime-backed attacks on our institutions’ secret inner workings. Women, it seems, are also to blame. OK, not for the Stuxnet worm that crippled (allegedly) Iran’s not-so-obscure nuclear power stations control systems. Or the attacks on Google that led to its departure from China.

No…women of a certain age are targeting tablets and e-readers to illegally download books. This, according to Macmillan, is the biggest threat to publishers right now “bar none”. And I thought reading books was a good thing! Apparently all this information about why downloading stuff like this is wrong is contained in the Digital Economy Act (2010). But fewer than 5% of women ‘who download unauthorised copies’ have never heard of this act. Please count me in, too.

But it’s not just Sony and our state networks — and e-readers. The future of war, it’s been said, is no longer just the four dimensions of land, sea, air and, mind-bogglingly space, but now please add a fifth dimension. This will already be well known to my friends’ two young children even though it may come as a surprise to their parents; and known to the world’s other 76, 999,999 other young and grown up children (aka wonks): cyberspace!

It just goes to show that things are never so bad that they can’t get a whole load worse. My question is: who’s going to control all this…? Who will ultimately control the internet? Worryingly, it’s likely to be the US. Isn’t it? There may be another way.

As I said earlier, Sir Howard shouldn’t apologise for Sony’s outage outrage. On the contrary. If we’re all being subject, however indirectly, to cyberattacks every day, the need for our 77 million-strong cyberarmy to be ready and able to forget their homework and healthy outdoor games in order to be available, 24/7, to spring into action as a loyal member of an elite unit sent to fight behind enemy lines somewhere far away in cyberspace to protect our national institutions…surely this takes priority over everything else?

Every warrior needs an R&R, as our friends across the pond call it. If the human race is to survive the fifth dimension, PlayStation Vacations should be made compulsory.

Views Not News...in a different light

Thu, 29 Jul 2010 17:03:00 +0100

I could get used to these three-day weeks.

I can almost taste those positive endorphins flooding in at the thought of another four-day weekend — just after the previous gloriously, sunny experience, too. Five-day working weeks sound almost 19th century now. I may need therapy to help me get back into the five-a-week groove.

Just my cuppa tea

But now there’s that special ‘wedding’ to look forward to: great established and internationally renowned brand formally ties the knot with upstart commoner. The hopes, dreams and plans for both sides are, it is reliably reported, going to make all of us bigger, better and more inspired as the happy consummation is given its blessing. Yes, in June we will witness the formal union between the resplendent House of Publicis and the heretofore independent and spirited Chemistry Communications. Rejoice.

But before that we have the Royal Wedding. A time for all us to unite in hope that the feelgood factor arising from this magical occasion will get Britain back on its feet. To make and sell more stuff, basically. Yet some of the economic bickering this forthcoming nuptial has engendered echoes last year’s World Cup: should we give our staff the day off? Should we allow them to watch telly while they’re at work? What do we do about having so much time off in a period where we’re struggling to stay in business?

We’re not talking about your local hairdressers or dry cleaners businesses here. Oh no…we’re talking giants like Marks & Spencer and Tesco and Selfridges. The unions, like USDAW, are piling in too. As is the Chartered Institute of Management and just about every lawyer in the land. The talk is all about ‘Working Time Regulations’, ‘public holiday entitlement’, ‘terms and conditions of employment’, ‘contracted workers’, ‘rates of pay’, ‘legal requirements’, ‘bank holiday arrangements’, and so on. Jeez…it’s a wedding not an employers’ convention! It happens once in a generation – not even just once every four years. Lighten up!

Here at Chemistry Towers, we’re with the Royals. We want what they do like nobody else does: they stimulate trade. Yep, we’re unashamedly commercial here in downtown Fulham. And in that sense I believe we are doing our bit to help restore Britannia as a successful brand in the world. Can’t see why we need to support the Royals to do that? Hah! Consider these facts (taken from the British Retail Consortium and KPMG: WORST SALES FALL FOR AT LEAST 16 YEARS) and then think again my anonymous friend:

UK retail sales values were down 1.9% on a total basis from March 2010, when sales had risen 6.6%, boosted by Good Friday and Easter Saturday falling in the March trading period. On a like-for-like basis, sales were 3.5% lower, against a 4.4% increase in March 2010. Bad or what!

Like-for-like food sales fell well below their year-earlier level and non-food sales showed an even larger decline. Consumers’ underlying uncertainty about jobs and incomes, as well as the later Easter, hit both. Big-ticket home and furniture purchases suffered most and were often promotion-led

Non-food non-store (internet, mail-order and phone) sales growth fell further in March. Sales were 7.5% higher than a year ago, the smallest increase since the series began in October 2008 and much weaker than the 10.4% in February

There’s more but you can read for yourself by following the link, above. It doesn’t get any better though and, politely, you have been warned.

So what to do? The outlook seems Bleak with a capital B. The coalition is cutting faster than anyone seems to want and we’re told that we have to live with this, that it’s for our own good, that we’re all going to die (higher-paid bankers excepted) if we don’t take the medicine, now.

I ask you: what can we hope for…what can we believe in? Visionary Con-Lib social-economic policies. Pshaw! Economic logic? Bah! Philosophical rationalism? Er…what is that, exactly? Entrepreneurial no-nonsense, US-style, go-for-it Brand UK? Nope…at least not in the UK.

OK, so what? Let me tell you: romance and fairy tale weddings and magic dust. Yay! That’s what we want. Light relief, a break from all the doom and gloom, Bucklebury Babe meets Buck House Bloke. Yay some more!

Just an ordinary little village

Because that way we’ll make and sell more mugs, more coffee, more stuff, more everything. And — continuing in this hopeful vein — even better news: next year, in June, is the Queen’s diamond jubilee. More holidays, more fun and more Royal power to boost the economy once again.

I could certainly get used to this.

Views Not News...in a different light

Thu, 29 Jul 2010 17:03:00 +0100

For the sceptics, don’t do it. Or at the very least, don’t express sneeringly in advance any thoughts to the following, condescending effect: “OK, I’ll try it, but I can promise you, I’ll never make a habit of this.” Because you will regret it.

Entering a Poundland store can seriously affect your perceived sense of self-esteem. You may believe, now, that such a claim is both tiresome and ridiculous. But the bigger such beliefs may come, the harder they will be to live down.

The good news is you’re not alone. Frugal chic has become infectious. Value hunting the norm. Poundland delivers in so many ways that basement bargains become basics. While your aspirations may be rooted in middle-class respectability, your wallet will happily migrate to the basement prices and array of deals at which value traders — of which Poundland is the fastest growing UK retailer — excels. And you’ll want to go back; this is no one-shop wonder.

The demise of Woolies helped. Ditto Adams, Principles, Threshers, Borders and one or two other big high street disappearances. While boarded-up high street outlets are a common sight, the last three years have witnessed a drop of something like a 20% drop in the top 50 out-of-town shopping centres. Where did all that space go?

Nor does this take into account the likely further consolidation of smaller outlets as they get forcibly merged into the aisles of their bigger and out-of-town based group counterparts: Dorothy Perkins, Burtons, Early Learning Centre, HMV, Thorntons…they’re all going to move from their distinctive but smaller fiefdoms into the airier anonymity of their bigger sisters.

But the value traders are marching on. H&M and Peacocks are exploiting the lower rates of out-of-town retail parks. And even Greggs, Subway (whose total outlets now outnumber McDonalds) and Costa are also moving away from their more traditional high street locations.

So who’s leading whom? Are shopping centres giving customers what they want? Or are customers telling retailers they want stuff in one, giant out-of-town location?

Customers are revolting, says Capital Shopping Centres. They’re flocking to the value chains. And as the high streets get tired and tireder, so the more modern appeal of space, light, atriums, big palms, pillars, somewhere to sit down and somewhere to dump the kids attract new entrants at the upper end: Molton Brown, Jo Malone and even Svaroski are happy to sit side-by-side (well…reasonably closely, anyway) to the Primarks of the promotionally-discounted new world.

Like Facebook, I guess: that’s where the customers are so let’s be there, too. Good groupthink.

Which brings me on to the inherent contradiction in all this. It’s called petrol. And according to most pundits, it’s fuelling the rise of internet shopping.

Yep. It seems folks ain’t prepared to put a tankful of gas into their car for what now seems to cost about £500 and then take the car for a run to the shopping centre. Nope. Disposable income is vanishing as fast as the number of services still provided by local councils. Commodity prices have forced up the cost of living further. Everyone thinks the cost of borrowing and their mortgage is going to take a hike sooner or later. So what’s left to have fun with? Cue Poundland again. Or the internet.

Tesco and Sainsbury’s both know the advantage of discounted petrol prices at their bigger sites’ forecourts. And shoppers do respond positively to that. But it’s all bargain, discount, promotional, show-me-the-savings driven shopping these days. Or it’s online. Which is, of course, where more and more activity is taking place these days.

Spoilt for choice

But miss out on the physical visit to the shopping centre or the weekly supermaket shop and what you save on petrol you might lose on promotions. According to retail researchers IGD and Kantar, supermarket promotions accounted for more than 40% of grocery sales last year. That’s a lot of special offers that you might not always see online.

And just what exactly are the implications for consumer goods manufacturers where there brands run the risk of being perceived as being ‘always on some sort of promotion’? Humans tend to have very fallible memories.

There’s so much more to say about this — especially about the implications for brands and consumers — but maybe another time. Go ahead and sneer, but right now it’s back to Poundland for me to chase those bargains.

Views Not News...in a different light

Thu, 29 Jul 2010 17:03:00 +0100

So prices can go down as well as up! And that’s not just at Sales times. Actually, when isn’t it a ‘Sales’ time these days?

One week (and eight preceding months) the forecast for UK inflation is dire and we’re all thinking a packet of crisps is going to cost a fiver very soon. Next week, like yesterday, inflation was “…much better than expected” according to the British Chambers of Commerce, and supermarkets were bowing to the fact that consumers’ incomes are being squeezed. Who’d have thought cornflakes and fish fingers would help in the fight against inflation? Should we laugh or cry?

It used to be like this in the housing market. For years the house price crash was predicted as ‘just around the corner’. 2007, however, wasn’t ‘just around the corner’ for most of the house buyers in the nineties and noughties and no-one paid any notice to it. Not even those house buyers in early 2007. Sadly.

Here at Chemistry Towers, there are some inflationary trends which have caused concern in the past, too. PowerPoint presentations have had a habit of growing longer and more puffed up almost entirely of their own volition. So now we send in the Chemistry ‘PowerPoint Prudence Police’ to rein them in. The new Four P’s of marketing, you might say.

We are also somewhat dischuffed, at first, when our clients tell us that in their experience agency hot air — in relation to their own abilities — has never been so overpowering. But not us lot here in modest Fulham, they add, where agency comfort-zone speak remains comfortably low. Of course.

On a personal note, I am also rather fazed when anyone says ‘You’re a star’ (this a term used by slightly aged colleagues) or that I’m ‘Brilliant’ or ‘Amazing’ for having replied to someone with the (very basic) info they wanted or even after making them a (albeit rare) cuppa.

A fairly typical email exchange:

“Hi Neil. I hope you’re well. Can you pls send me the creds deck when you have a moment.”

“Sure thing. It’s attached.”

“That’s absolutely brilliant. Thanks, mate.”

Makes me wonder what were they expecting. Nothing? A refusal? Some pix of me and my family on holiday? A simple “Thanks, I am well, yes.” I’ll get back to you on that one soon.”?

Job titles seeming to creeping upwards on the inflationary scale, too. Terms like Creative Technologist, Mid Weight Flash Developer…there are more but being rooted in Fulham means modesty precedes me.

Along with economic inflation, congratulatory adjectives and show-stopping job titles, technology and its associated shiny objects, are keeping up the inflationary pressure, too. Oh yes, so are the waist sizes for trousers in Gap. What used to a 30? waist now seems like a 34? when I try them. Are they planning ahead…anticipating the growing trends in western populations to result in all of us being unanimously obese?

No longer is there talk of mobiles; everyone carries a smartphone. “Call me on my BlackBerry” is the norm. As is their continued use in meetings where inflation has doubled the ‘using your smartphone in meetings’ penalty to two quid. From 3G to 4G, from iPad to second generation iPad 2, from laptops to palmtops to tablets (inflation in miniature, I guess), where will it all stop?

It’s 7pm. Real Madrid are in town and Tottenham (4-0 down) are going to have to prove themselves, tonight. Or not. And like me, will they be absolutely brilliant? Or not?

Views Not News

Thu, 29 Jul 2010 17:03:00 +0100

“Open and click-through rates are great.”

“Open and click-through rates are awful.”

Depending on who you talk to, emails are of debatable value. For some, they’re the enduring apogee of junk. For others, such as Groupon, the proven path to riches.

Death cycles are what keeps business and media chatter alive. Just as radio would be killed by TV and TV by cinema, newspapers (and everything else) by the Internet and now books, in their turn, by eReaders, so the death of email — the predicted killer of direct mail — has been foretold many times. Spam, social networks, Google and then Facebook ‘Messages’ (finally, this year) even txt…they would all do for email. Mrk my wrds.

But email — still walking — refuses to lay down and die. Hotmail, Yahoo, Gmail and now Facebook Messages boast something like one billion users in total. We won’t mention AOL. Sure their different features and varied functionality gives each application some advantage or other over something else. But one thing is for certain: email isn’t rolling over just yet – depending on who you talk to, that is.

Social media has now parked its virtual tanks on every marketer’s lawn. Sports shoes brand ASICS excepted. The time for dithering is over. Everyone wants a part of the action. It’s where every single customer, consumer, friend, family member and trusted source is, after all. And they generally have licence to be and say what they like in their emails, posts, tweets, calls, txts and every other communication with us. Because we ascribe to them that rare quality called ‘trust’.

And on top of all that, an engaging and enjoyable experience, where we feel we can trust the info we get, is also a pretty universal nice-to-have. Isn’t it? Anything less and our few willing seconds of original interest dies.

In this pseudo-friendly, informative, word-of-mouth, all-encompassing, more trustable way, social media has come to seduce every marketer’s thinking. And 600 million Facebook users (and counting) can’t be wrong. Because don’t they demonstrate the value of that wonderful thing called engagement?

Actually, no. Because engagement isn’t endorsement. Give me a free Starbucks latte and I’ll join the other 10 million folk ‘liking’ it there, too. But that’s all I’m ever likely to do. Until the next emailed freebie voucher, perhaps.

The scramble to be social hasn’t prevented most marketers’ definitions of social media being vague and imprecise. Which they shouldn’t be because here at Chemistry Towers ‘social media’ still retains the emphasis on social more than media. And we never forget that focusing on customers and their behaviour is the startpoint in our thinking. Hasn’t it always been thus?

So if you’re still reading, we never forget the most important part of any campaign. Whatever the channel. Whether it’s connecting customers to brands, to other customers, to organisations and to anyone else really…we start with understanding the customer, first. Simple in principle. More difficult in execution. But if we don’t know what the customer wants, likes, enjoys, relates to, just ‘being where they are’ isn’t enough.

Let’s keep engagement, then. But let’s not forget experience, collaboration, channel integration and, ultimately, customer behaviour. They still matter most in any social media campaign.

Let me know your thoughts if you wish. I always open my emails. Depending on who you talk to.

Views Not News

Thu, 29 Jul 2010 17:03:00 +0100

Our planning has been meticulous. Our stories have been told. Our handpicked team is 'quietly confident'. Our mission to win the bidding to bring home the World Cup in 2018 approaches its final hour of its 19-month campaign, today. So no pressure.

This afternoon, around 3pm our time, the now 22 old men (two have been red carded as a result of bribery allegations) will announce their decision. The winning country stands to gain about £8bn in World Cup revenues, etc., from staging the event. By which time some or many of the current aged Fifa membership panel will be thinking their football thoughts in heaven. Or maybe somewhere less elevated.

So you can see why this is the mother of all pitches.

It's the sort of budget you'd expect (wrongly) Google to have. Or maybe the Royal Family whom we subsidise with our taxes. Here, at Chemistry Towers, we would be rendered immobile -- frozen into paralysis, even, like the rest of the country at the moment -- faced with such a monumental challenge. Matchless though they are, I 'm not sure our PowerPoint skills might be up to this.

Nor would they need to be, however. This is not your normal pitch. It's about knowing the decision-making old men's weaknesses. I suppose I should say strengths, too, but I can't. And knowing their likes, dislikes and preferences. Steady! And then shimmying and schmoozing and shelling out as much royal, prime-ministerial and tattooed largesse as possible to get these guys (all men) to give us their vote.

So our Magnificent Three Lions (M3Ls) -- for whom no challenge seems to be too big -- Will, Dave and David, are looking good. Relaxed, charming and limelit in Zurich, they are dining, wining and batting for England's football.

Actually, it seems as though our pitching skills might be up for this bit, after all. Nah...we deal in substance, insights, ideas and great work. OK, a little bit of fun, too.

What do they need to know, then, our M3Ls? How should they act? Is there a parallel example, or two, from which they could all learn? I know it's a bit late in the day for all this but why not, as Becks has suggested, keep playing and trying to score that winning goal right down to the last minute of extra time. So here goes with some last minute winning advice shots:

"I'll vote for you, if you vote for me."

This, like the Eurovision Song Contest, seems the most frequently-voiced observation on how "the 22" make their footballing decisions.

"My friend"...this is a key word among the 22, "don't tell me about your songs, lyrics, boy-band/girl-band stuff..." say the Baltic States' judges voting for Russia or Belarus, "...tell me you will build a beautiful power station in my country next year and that you will guarantee my gas supplies and cheap vodka for ever." That's vote-winning talk. Likewise, therefore, the 22.

So, friend, don't "ask what your country can do for you", as Mr Kennedy once said. Just ask what you and your country and all your friends can do for the lovely 22. In spades and quickly...they're 'moving to another place', remember.

"What is the exact number of five-star hotels, Michelin-starred restaurants and luxury shopping facilities in London? Sorry...in your country?"

My friend, I've been on a recent inspection trip and was very happy with your local 'amenities'. So don't tell me about your Emirates and Reeboks, your St James's and St Mary's, your Manchester Uniteds and your Chelseas. Been there, inspected that. Just tell me if you can put me up for absolutely-fully-free-please-and-thankyou at the best hotels with the best restaurants serving the best food and choicest wines (also for absolutely free and nothing) nearby.

Oh yes, my very good friend...and my wife and her family and her friends and their friends' friends, too, if you please.

Wise up, guys. It's not footie and ordinary people and crowds and chanting and getting spat on and all that real hurly-burly stuff. We're talking living the life here. After all, what's a few millions in hospitality against the promise of £8 squillions? Not to mention the PR, PM...?

"I think you would make a very fine King of England, sir."

No, this is not the two Davids talking to Prince Will in order to get themselves invited to the main event. This is what the M3Ls should be preparing to say -- if they haven't already done so -- to Sir Sepp Blatter (a very slightly premature title, admittedly, but no matter, use it anyway) as a final flattering shot before they make a low bow and, walking backwards with eyes averted from his gaze, retreat solemnly from His presence. He has the casting vote, remember, should things not go quite to plan in the early stages.

I tell you, this will definitely move the metal. Your average, aged, continental still loves the royals and they're all infatuated with the prospect of next year's Royal Wedding. With (Sir) Sepp's Swiss blood -- that makes him almost as good a German as our own royals -- I'm sure he wouldn't be at all surprised to hear that he might one day be elevated from being a mere 'Sir' to become King of England. After all, stuff happens.

So that's my last minute advice for our M3Ls. Go get 'em guys! Make some old men happy and think of England. I'll be tuning in at 3pm waiting to hear the good news.

Come on England!!!

Views Not News

Thu, 29 Jul 2010 17:03:00 +0100

I sometimes meet people who have no idea who I am.

So said one Boris Becker this weekend, interviewed in The Times — which, unless you’ve saved your copy, you won’t be able to see on The Times’ website. Unless you’re prepared to pay, of course.

While I’m not prepared to enter into Mr Murdoch’s deep-pocketed paywall mission, today’s figures suggest mixed news for the online version. It seems (and I hope I’ve got this right) 105,000 of us have signed up to be digital-only fans with a further 100,000 being joint print and digital subscribers. So about 205,000 ‘total paid audience’.

If this isn’t confusing enough, only 50,000 people, says News International, have registered for monthly subscriptions which include iPad apps.

So is this good? Is the paywall here to stay? And how many of these early adopters are there because of some pretty irresistible offers. Are they, like Starbucks’ 10m friends, mainly there for a freebie? So Starbucks can exploit the BIG 10 MILLION number as some sort of can’t-argue-with-that amazing evidence that its brand is best? Like the old numbers story about flies around a dustbin? We love this sort of crystal clarity.

Now we know it’s not difficult to get people to try stuff if you give them a great offer. And linked to an iconic brand called Apple iPad. We did it here at Chemistry for our client TfL and Oyster Card and guess what, it worked like crazy.

Maybe it was the £1 introductory (pretty irresistible) monthly subscription on your iPad offer? Or have I get the ad mixed up with something else? Am I getting confused with that FREE voucher I used for a copy of The Week which I read, liked and then did absolutely nothing with?

Let’s get back to the paywall numbers and try and get to the nub of it. NewsInt, if you can penetrate their figures, are saying that existing print subscribers who number 100,000 (and who are all entitled to an online subscription) had activated their internet accounts. This gives the total paid audience for digital to around 200,000.

OK so far, then. But hold on. Out of the first 105,000 digital-onlies (above) around 55,000 sales aren’t currently “active subscriptions” and out of these about 35,000 were so-called day-passes. Which, over the period being assessed which I think is about the three months ending in September, means that there were something like 250 to 300 day-passes, on average, being taken up.

This gets even more confusing when you try and understand the figures in more detail. So I’m not going to say any more than just this: what was the figure for people who bought an app (offered at a silly £1) — rather than an iPad subscription (offered at a sobering £9.99 per month) — and how many people (O golden piece of information) paid to renew their app? Or as any client would ask us: after all our customer acquisition efforts at mighty low prices to get them through the door, what are the full price retention rates??? Oh yes.

How does today’s online browsers’ info compare to a previously freebie Times online? Well, current estimates of c.200,000 paid audience for digital relates to 1.2m daily average unique visitors to The Times back in February. Deal or no deal then?

You have to sympathise with the Murdoch strategy. Charging for quality (some people think it is) content previously given away for free has to be appealing. And necessary as old media newspapers struggle to survive as ad revenues migrate to online. But The Times is no Financial Times, no Economist or even no Wall Street Journal. It’s a generalist newspaper hoping to win a very specific battle. Quite a novelty.

Which gets me back to Boris. Whether or not he’s suffering from overweening pride he’s not in the least embarrassed to claim the sort of worldwide status such as that which might be justified only if it were, say, visible from the moon. Like Tony Blair’s smile or Eric Pickle’s girth.

But if you want to see the Boris article — to make sure you really do know him and prevent the poor guy from having to say “I sometimes meet people who have no idea who I am”, ever again — it’ll cost. Are you ready to pay? If not I’ve helped you with the above pic and I can recommend the nma’s news, today, if you want some more freebie facts.

We like free as an online business model.

Views Not News

Thu, 29 Jul 2010 17:03:00 +0100

Does anybody know what's happening out there, in the real world, any more?

In the 'Age of Communication' in which we now live, I have absolutely no idea of what is going on in certain places. And if you think "So what? How can anybody know what's going on all the time?" then I think you should ask yourself another question: "How will my ignorance help me?"

Banker bailout

And the answer is...it won't, of course. But then all that's going to happen is I'm going to be screwed without knowing it. This worries me but I don't know how to handle it other than switch off all the news. Or hope that the BBC goes on strike again soon so that Radio 4's Today prog will be replaced with some 'Dessert Island Discs" idyll, again, and we can all come to work unruffled despite the planet's inexorable and continuing gyrations.

Take Ireland. Yes, I know this has nothing to do with me (sort of) but I have no idea how my almost namesake, Brian Cowen, got Ireland into such a mess. How can I? The bigger question may be how all the world's economists, consultants, analysts and bankers screwed up the world in the first place a couple of years back. But that's old hat now and I still couldn't give you a reliable explanation, anyway.

How does a country like Ireland suddenly need 90 billion? Euros, that is. I cannot get my head around it. What's become of our (their) leaders that first they guffaw and deny that their country ever needs the money and then, the very same week, they're forced out of debt denial and into debt shame.

Personally, I don't know what the job of a head of state should be. We talk of 'leaders' but maybe we should talk of 'managers'? Leader sounds grander: less hands-on, more strategic, visionary even. Bigger picture stuff rather than the little things like making sure customers actually get their orders received on time and that the trains run to schedule. That's just good management, isn't it?

There's so much guff spoken about management and leadership that I might as well add my own two Euros' worth. So here goes. First, get rid of all the sports and military and 'big men' analogies. Whenever someone starts talking about focus and single-mindedness and campaigns, run for cover from more incoming cliches. Or describing leadership as high-level stuff -- 'standing on the balcony where you can see what's happening rather than being on the dance floor yourself'* -- is just so unbelievably trite. On the metaphorical ship of state, being on the dance floor means you can hear the iceberg ripping into the hull and so take the sort of evasive action that balcony dwellers wouldn’t understand.

Secondly, those countless books and articles and seminars which provide long to-do lists of what and what-not-to-do are just so much more hot air. Talkers telling instead of doers doing. Sometimes in just under two minutes at the airport, too. Franck Riboud, chairman and ceo of success-story Danone, reads little more than books on football, he claims. Any advice prefaced with 'You must...' or 'Be prepared...' is worthless. I can't remember how many times I've thrown these phrases at my kids only for them to grimace in disbelief and turn the volume up on their continually in-ears iPod music. Unless you find yourself in the exact same situation where the must or prepared-ness worked originally, such edicts are pointless. The hurly-burly of everyday office and industrial life isn't like this. Business schools can’t teach decision-making: that’s what differentiates a successful entrepreneur.

So here's my final solution. No one company, not even ours, has a monopoly of talent. So why should one expect this of our leaders and their appointed teams? No...decide what you want and go for the person with a track record of success. That means, Ireland, you have only one choice. And you should have recognised it years ago. It's simple: that nice Mr O'Leary. He'd have sorted you out.

Winning against the odds and taking no prisoners and not accepting any hostages to fortune Mr O'Leary is a role model. Just as much as John Terry is a role model. Shoplifting mother, cocaine-selling father, JT drives a Roller. Surely that’s what most kids coming from deprived backgrounds such as his should aspire to? Forget the ambassadorial posing demanded in so much tabloid twaddle. Don't be sentimental and don't confuse leadership with the need for stewardship.

Mr Brian Cowen may be a great guy. I have no idea. But his stewardship of the Irish economy seems to have resulted in an unmitigated disaster. Mr O'Leary may be an unmitigated PR disaster to some of his (outspoken) staff and anyone who sees Ryanair as leading the way downwards to less customer service and more customer contempt. But he sure knows how to lead and manage a company to success. Ditto Ireland, I'd say. And then maybe Portugal, Spain and even the UK.

We’re all in this together.

* With apologies to Virginia Merritt, Stanton Marris strategy consultancy

Views Not News

Thu, 29 Jul 2010 17:03:00 +0100

I sometimes meet people who have no idea who I am.

If this isn’t confusing enough, only 50,000 people, says News International, have registered for monthly subscriptions which include iPad apps.

We like free as an online business model.

Views Not News

Thu, 29 Jul 2010 17:03:00 +0100

Barclays has spoken. A multi-millionaire, aptly named after old money and fabulous wealth, is about to steer the bank back to the big time.

Bob Diamond, big Wall Street success story, is gonna make it happen over here now. BarCap investment banking success will be brought to bear on Barclays. And world beating, profitable organisations is what Britain wants right now. Isn’t it?

Er, no. That’s to say, not if they’re banks. They got us into this mess in the first place, didn’t they? Ask Vince Cable if you don’t believe me. First we bale them out with our money; second we watch them take stonking bonuses as we’re all forced to eat Quorn, queue on motorways for miles in order to staycation in rainy Cornwall. Huh…banks, who needs ‘em?

Such crass rhetoric that above para so I won’t even answer the question.

Some people like to argue what banks did is what we wanted: take our money and invest it in the best possible way so that we all got great returns. Sure we never complained when it all went swimmingly and we made dosh, but when it all fell apart and we lost money…well what they hell did they think they were playing at?

So can banks win? That nice Mr Fred Goodwin — now ‘disgraced’ ex-CEO of RBS and also very aptly named to become naturally rich, it seems to me — won. Walked away with millions for helping sink RBS. So RBS ended up being owned by us. But we didn’t win. At least, not yet.

So maybe it’s not really the bank but the banker? For those of you who feel rich men with rich-sounding names do diddly squat for us ordinary named folk, here’s my Barclays Bank statement:

“I, Neil Cowan, formerly known as Flush Thriving, wish to apply for the post of CEO at Barclays. As my banking experience is limited I propose a piffling starting salary of, say, £1m rather than Bob Diamond’s reputed £11m. I believe my appointment will save Barclays millions (£10m on appointment, for starters). And I am the right man for the job. Thank you and when do I start?”

Would you go for that? I’m cheap, I’ve changed my previously moneyed name to ordinary bloke and I’m no fat cat. Of course you would.

But while you’re rolling your eyes and thinking this is trivia, let me say that the reason you’re doing that is because you don’t just want anyone to run a global megalomerate like Barclays, do you? You want a proven big hitter, head honcho, top man. Someone who is proven, track-recorded and demonstrably wealthy and will do the same for Barclays. And stands up at Premiership Title matches holding the Champion’s cup. So it is with regret that I withdraw my application.

But here’s the bank statement you and every other Barclays 16 million-odd customers should be making if you(s) don’t like what’s going on. It’s simple:

“I (insert name) hereby request you to close all my Barclays accounts forthwith.”

Now that’s what I call a statement. Bet not one of the 16 million lot of you makes it.

Views Not News

Thu, 29 Jul 2010 17:03:00 +0100

Fifa’s inspectors arrived to assess our bid to stage the 2018 World Cup last week.

Had they turned up this weekend, getting about our travel disrupted capital and then the rest of the country might have scuppered the bid before it had even started.

Fresh from their inspection trip to Moscow where the Fifa officials were treated to a red-carpeted welcome by holiday-interrupted Vladimir Putin, who was at Downing Street to kick-start the England bid and impress Fifa at the crucial moment: Nick Clegg, a tennis and skiing fan. A posh substitute, basically. And one who declared our bid as ‘Unbeatable’ which you’re not supposed to do as that rubbishes the opposition. Game, set and match.

How is it possible that three such fabulously important people as David Cameron, Prince William (as well as being royal is also the FAs’s president) and – really, really unbelievable – national treasure David Beckham be either on holiday or out of the country at such a time as this?

“It was just a technical visit” is what we’re told. Nothing important. Just a chance to check the grounds and make sure they’re actually there. Kick the seats. Tread the grass. Just like it all appears to be on TV, that is. So meeting all the big knobs wasn’t that important. Anyway, Ambassadors Rooney, Ferdinand and Capello turned up at Wembley to smile and kick a ball about. Let’s hope Rooney minded his ‘f’s and ‘c’s which were so evident in his World Cup performance.

But the really amazing thing about this story is that they actually went by tube – and made it – to Wembley. Did they have to buy their own Oyster cards?

Of the last 14 events staged there, seven have been affected by transport problems. Fulham have experienced problems in three of their last seven fixtures; Chelsea’s last eight have been hit four times. Twickenham (I know it’s not football) has suffered four times out of ten and Lord’s (I know it’s now not cricket!) has been affected by seven closures during its last 13 tests. I wonder what the betting was on that?

So let’s take Fifa to Wembley by tube…? Aaaargh…who could’ve dreamed that up?!! Couldn’t we have taken the officials by limo and said that’s the way everyone in England travels when they go to a footie match? Shown them a few ladettes out on the town in their pink stretch-limos necking vodka mid-afternoon and singing Ingerland through the open windows as proof? Where’s their imagination?

Everyone knows these top guys from Fifa know nothing about ordinary folk. Besides being treated like royalty (despite their revolution, comrade) in Russia and kings in Qatar on their recent bid inspection visits, they stay in galaxy-starred accommodation for the most part, insulated from the hoi-polloi. Apart from having to shake hands with the odd oick of a rags-to-riches footballer, they’ve have never met a properly normal person. I’m betting (along with the rest of the Pakistani touts) that they would have bought this.

I’m also betting that the real reason Pakistan’s final innings collapsed so ignominiously on Saturday was that they knew that if the match strayed into ‘rush hour’, what with it being a Bank Holiday Sunday the next day and all that, that the usual weekend engineering works and line closures and upgrade works and all the other guff that spews out of TfL for inconveniencing the entire population of London (but only at weekends when people don’t have to go to work) would mean they’d never have made it back to their hotel.

Don’t just take my word for it. Take That, Coldplay, Oasis they’ve all suffered from tube closures and engineering works when they played at Wembley. Ditto O2 too. More than 50% of its biggest gigs have been buggered due to the Jubilee Line upgrades. There’s more but this is getting dull.

While we don’t have 60-mile traffic jams in one place as was reported in China last week, what about nationwide and on a normal Bank Holiday weekend? Course we do. Road closures, engineering works, rail problems are the norm. It’s bad enough that business suffers every day but why do we put up with it every weekend as well?

And it seems the problem is not limited to the capital or England, generally. My local council (Wandsworth) insists on sending out refuse collection trucks which make the morning rush congestion problems ten times worse. Just wants to get in on the act, I guess.

Is it just me or is everything really crap? Come on England!

Views Not News

Thu, 29 Jul 2010 17:03:00 +0100

Their A-level results are mostly OK – but certainly not amazing and brilliant and fantastic and A-starred
Their written output is pretty good
They know where the apostrophes go.
These past two weeks has seen the usual favourite media topic resurface: “Exam results are getting easier”. If you’re a teacher or an exams board, then “Get lost, everybody. You just don’t geddit.”

If you’re an employer, always-improving A-levels and then GCSE results generate disbelief about how, while the percentage of exam passes is amazing, the ability for school leavers to understand percentages is, basically, appalling. As is their written abilities. And their general knowledge. And generally more or less everything while we’re at it, actually.

It’s become an annual, empty moan that exams are just being ‘dumbed down’. Today’s Daily Mail shouts “Children’s grasp of the 3Rs at its worst in a decade.” This from a newspaper with a reading age of about seven.

Exams may be the obvious subject for the inevitable dumbing-down swipe. But it seems we can easily justify all this simply by looking around us: everything else is being dumbed down too, innit? Or as the clever airport paperback title phrased it: “Is everything sh*t or is it just me?”

So, the usual co-offenders in the dumbing-down process; who are they?

Let’s start with newspapers – they’re just celebrities, gossip and nakedness, aren’t they. Anyway, who reads newspapers when all we need is online. Next: books – just chick lit, bonkbusters and Katie Price ghostwriter stuff. Music – hey we’re world leaders in pop but CDs…just compilations, Summerdance Top 100 Megamix (various artists) and MTV videos…! Then there’s theatre – just endless West End musicals for tourists. And lastly – how long have you got? – TV: reality shows, soaps, gardening, cookery, football, Big Brother, Deal or No Deal, Ready Steady Cook …Oh yeah, and movies…just dumb and dumberer.

So is it just me or is everything really crap? Socially, culturally and educationally, are we all really washed up and dumbed down?

Sure, as off-peak rail travellers, of course, we can’t get our heads round the complexities of a train operating company’s fare structures. But I doubt whether a school gym-load of A-starred exam results would help you understand that. Train companies specialise in making the complex complexerer.

Call me dumb-headed, then, but I don’t think ‘dumbing-down’ is getting a fair hearing. In our industry, we’re very fond of the phrase “We’re in the communications business”. When something may get misunderstood or when information may be poorly disseminated, internally, or if a client’s work may get wrongly interpreted we deploy the phrase accordingly: ‘Pshaw…we’re supposed to be in the communications business, aren’t we?’ The point being that someone didn’t do a good job in making themselves understood.

Now I would simply make the following observations. We are a diverse society. We have never been faced with (‘bombarded with’ is the usual cliché) so many and so varied information sources. Daily. Whether that’s on the telly, on the radio or online. Or on what food to eat, on how we should exercise, on what supermarkets’ shelves hold for us, or on what the food-labelling information on packaged products on supermarket shelves are telling us, or on restaurant menus, or on freely-available online exam tips and suggestions if you’re a student. On and on – it seems relentless – we’re being forced to find out more and make more and more choices.

As a result, we all crave simplicity. Indeed, anyone who can make the complex simple around here is considered to be A-starred. Personally, I’d give anyone an A-starred certificate if they could explain why triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones. Or why if the fridge has a little light in it, why not the freezer?

So…deserved drum roll for our business, please: dumbing-down helps consumers make choices. Oh yes…informed choices, too. Because what we do doesn’t assume the consumer is simple; what we do is make the choosing of specific products and services simple. Tell me those cutesy little Fiat 500 ads don’t do this. Inspiring stuff.

How do we do that, then? Well, we’re in the communications business, aren’t we?

PS: If you’re still reading this, check the punctuation and guess my age: the teacher’s pupils’ families’ friends were chuffed with the school’s accomplishments. (Answers on a postcard and only two digits allowed.)

Alternatively, tell me I’m wrong. A lite lunch for two – that’s someone else and me – for an interesting and simple-to-understand response.